There is the person, as they are now, and then there is the person they are becoming. We’re all on some trajectory, with a million people and things attempting to shape us into something else. Parents, spouses, friends, pastors, teachers, schools, Hollywood, news, Internet, and many, many more. We’re all on the move, and without an anchor these other forces will move us in unexpected directions. The devil uses every wind of doctrine to toss us about (Eph. 4:14).

Most people who marry one another start out “in love.” But there must be more if it’s to last. Too often I’ve heard a man or woman lament that the person they’re married to today is not the same person they married. Of course they aren’t. This is true for every couple, but what they mean is that they don’t like what this person has become. The shaping forces are molding them in one direction or another. They are either moving in the same direction or else they are adrift.

It’s critical that our first love is God, who will then do His own shaping and will conform us to the image of His Son. He may use all the other people and things as His tools to accomplish this (positively and negatively), but at the center of the construction project is Christ. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10). Parents, who are clear in their own love for God, are diligent to teach their children—to shape their children—to love God as well (Dt. 6:4-9). Husbands and wives that have Christ as their first love will likewise shape or sanctify one another so that, as they each grow in Christ’s likeness, they will, thereby, influence one another and unite in their love for one another. Without this anchor they drift apart.

So, if you’re not married, the most important questions you must answer about the person you are thinking about marrying is: Do they have the right anchor? Do they love God first and me second? Are they committed to Jesus Christ and to His word? The answer to these questions can’t be, “I think so,” or “I hope so,” or “I’m pretty sure.” The answer must be a resounding, “absolutely, without a doubt.” Now you may safely move forward because you know where you’re both going. You will still have to learn to dance, but now you’ll both be dancing the waltz, not the waltz and the Watusi.